


A Long Winter

by orphan_account



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Despair, Angst, Attempted Suicide, Depression, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Happy Ending, Human K1-B0 (Dangan Ronpa), M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-05 04:12:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12786720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: For years Saihara has struggled with his depression and when he finally reaches his last straw he meets kiibo who may not understand people very well, but makes an effort to understand Saihara and help him.





	1. Frost on the Windows

**Author's Note:**

> I noticed that there was not much for plot filled fanfiction for the Saiibo/Kiihara ship and thought I'd contribute some angst.
> 
>  
> 
> This story, chapter 1 in particular has a lot of depressing themes, some self-harm, and an attempted suicide. You have been warned.  
> If these things don't bother you then please enjoy!

Staring out of his frost dusted dorm window up at the not-quite-sunrise sky, holding a scalding hot cup of black tea, the cheap stuff, Shuichi Saihara wondered why the outside world looked so hopeful when he stood in what was supposed to be the epicenter of hope throughout the country. Most kids at the prestigious Hope’s Peak Academy had gotten in on some mix of talent and wealth. Saihara had gotten in on a lottery, he wasn’t particularly wealthy, or artsy, or smart, but he didn’t see himself as boring. The other students were a different story altogether. They’d all had lives full of freedom and stories wilder than anything he’d heard prior to entering Hope’s Peak.

Past the first few weeks of school where Saihara’s new classmates were ‘just so excited to see a new face’, he’d gotten close to no attention. Without people to talk to, school life tended to be rather dull, but Saihara didn’t mind because he could just keep telling himself that it didn’t matter, that it didn’t matter because friends wouldn’t get him closer to his dreams. It was a sad thought but that wasn’t anything new. Going to Hope’s Peak was supposed to be what turned Saihara’s life around but in the end, nothing had changed, new faces and new bullies, new classes and new anxieties.

Around 6 years earlier, Saihara’s parents had died in a car crash and he’d moved in with his grandmother. He’d quickly realized that as life goes on, lives mean less, at least in the eyes of his grandmother, she’d been unphased by the accident. After coming to this realization Saihara began to look for something to make him better, something to cut through his emotional funk but nothing seemed to, until his letter of acceptance from Hope’s Peak. That letter had given him hope that he could soon once again, feel like a normal person could.

Now, 3 days away from Winter break in his senior year of high school, Saihara hadn’t yet felt much of anything since that day. Gray eyes scoped out the room before setting on the bold red numbers displayed on the alarm clock sitting on the bedside table. 4:38. Nobody was up at this time, class didn’t start until 9 so nobody had a reason to be awake. Saihara had grown to dread these moments where he was alone in his own mind, they had become moments of weakness for him, the moments where his mental state always managed to hit a new low.

At this hour when all could be heard if anyone were there to hear it, nobody could hear the clicks and squeaks of the old wooden dorm doors as someone took care to open and close them softly or the whines of the slightly dusty wood floor as someone shuffled across it with warm socks on or the wind’s whistle as heard from the rooftop as it wisps through someone’s silky, black hair or the ping of the short railing as one after the other, feet climb up onto its top or the choked back sob of someone who has already made their final decision.  
“Wait! What are you doing up there?!” A shaky voice yelled from the small garden on the opposite side of the roof. Saihara’s head turned before he shifted the rest of his body to face the garden, a relatively short boy who Saihara had never spoken to now stood on the floor below him. No tears were on the boy’s cheeks but his facial expression said that they could be there soon.  
“Please. Come down. Please!”  
Pale hands clasped together as knees hit hard tile, Saihara was being begged not to jump, he simply couldn’t do it after something like that, ‘not today’ he thought. Saihara stepped down and in turn, the other boy stood, tears stained the otherwise beautiful face of the stranger in front of Saihara.  
“Come inside with me?” Saihara knew it was a request, but it had sounded more like a question, regardless, he shrugged and began to follow the other boy inside. The room they’d entered was lit by fairy lights of several colors and decorated with paintings and hanging flower pots as well as powerful looking electronics. Both boys sat down at a wooden table that had chipping white paint covering it.  
“My name is Kiibo by the way, but that’s not important. Why were you up there?”  
“I think you can guess why.”  
“I mean yes- I get that… I understand what you were doing up there but like- why?”  
“A lot of reasons, I guess. I don’t really want to talk about it.”  
Kiibo didn’t say anything for a few moments and Saihara thought to himself how it almost looked like he was loading, that thought was interrupted though.  
“Spend Winter break with me.”  
“What? I barely know you.”  
“Trust me, please, spend Winter break with me, we’ll go to my cabin in the mountains 20 miles North of here.”  
“Like I said, I don’t know you.”  
“What’s the risk? You make a friend?”  
“You murder me.”  
“You just tried to murder yourself.”  
A moment passed as Saihara looked up from his clasped hands to the desperate expression on Kiibo’s face.  
“Jeez, fine.”  
“Yay! Okay now you should go get ready for school, here’s my number.”  
Saihara was handed a slip of paper with a phone number, “Kiibo” and “room #283” written on it in an almost digital looking handwriting before being almost shoved out of the room.

Such little interactions as being called on in class were enough to emotionally and socially exhaust Saihara, after talking with Kiibo like that, he felt ready to collapse. The walk back to his own room felt like a marathon and upon crossing the finish-line, Saihara’s pale, bony body curled into a fetal position, tears of confusion and fear puddling against his cheek and slightly warming cold skin.

Rain pattered against the window, drowning Saihara’s thoughts enough for his mind to rest. After almost committing suicide, nobody would feel able to go to school so instead of going through his normal morning routine, Saihara laid on the floor right by the door and fell asleep. 

After a few hours of napping, Saihara woke with that familiar tingling in his chest and stomach and almost broke down again but instead he stumbled into his bathroom. The circular mirror above his sink had been cracked since before he’d arrived and the sink was constantly dripping a bit. As the silver knob was twisted, the faucet came to life, ice cold water, the only kind that ever came out, poured into cupped hands. Saihara moved his head closer to the sink and clenched his eyes as he threw the water he was holding upwards onto his face.

Gray eyes stared at themselves and made their wearer feel sick. Water dripped from Saihara’s chin onto his black sweater but it didn’t matter because the garment was soon crumpled on the white, ceramic tiled floor. Fingertips stretched out and grasped onto the cold blade behind the small bottle of soap. Just one slash on Saihara’s shoulder was enough to calm him. Blood dribbled out and trailed down his chest in a manner quite soothing to Saihara.

“I’m sorry, body.” The words echoed through the bathroom. Saihara stepped into the shower and pulled the wrinkled, white, plastic shower curtains closed. Warm water stung the fresh cut but it wasn’t enough to make Saihara flinch. Steam fogged the brain and could bring temporary peace to anyone’s racing mind no different than a drug.

Saihara didn’t bother getting dressed, only his boxers and damp towel resting on his shoulders covered him. Phone loosely gripped in hands, a thumb lingered above the phone icon. Saihara knew he could avoid Kiibo for the last few months but the voice deep inside of him begged for a friend and a stable body and mind.  
‘If things go wrong, you can always just run away from your problems again.’

“Hello? Who is this?”  
“Saihara Shuichi.”  
“I’m sorry, who? I don’t know anyone by that name.”  
“You never asked.”  
“Huh?”  
“You never asked me my name Kiibo.”  
“Oh my god! You’re the boy from this morning on the roof! I’m so sorry!!”  
“I forgive you.”  
“I kinda thought you’d never call me… but I’m glad you did, really.”  
“I didn’t really think I would either.”  
“...”  
“...”  
“Hey what’s your room number?”  
“259, why?”  
“I’ll be there in a minute! Bye!”  
“Wait what?”

The call had ended before Saihara could voice his discomfort with the decision. The lock on Saihara’s door had been busted for weeks so Kiibo was able to burst into the room with no difficulty. Both boys got a peachy tint to their cheeks. “I’m sorry!” Kiibo buried his face into his palms. Saihara took the opportunity to slip on a pair of shorts. “No need, you can open your eyes.”  
“Hey did you skip class today?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I didn’t see you and I got worried. I only realized after that I didn’t have your name, phone number, or room number. I felt like an idiot.”  
“Well, I’m alive.”  
“H-hey! Your shoulder! You’re bleeding!”  
“Oh, don’t worry, it’s fine.”  
Kiibo walked closer to Saihara, backing the taller boy into a corner before grabbing his wrist, gentle, but firm. “Your whole torso is cut up… did you do this?”  
“I- yeah. I did.”  
Saihara expected to be scolded, but Kiibo didn’t look angry, he was just staring at Saihara’s torso blankly. Kiibo’s head shifted suddenly as he brought the pale hand held in his own to his lips.  
“That was a contract, got it?” Kiibo’s face moved away slowly.  
“What? I-”  
“I vowed to protect and help you. No matter how much, how long, how many times it takes. I can tell you need someone and I’m more than willing to be a friend!”  
As much as Saihara wanted to join in with some sentimental bullshit all he could focus on was his skin tingling where his classmate’s lips had just been. That was the closest to kissing someone he’d ever been, which was pretty sad for a boy his age.  
“Then I’ll make a contract too.”  
“Huh? For what?”  
The roles had reversed and now Kiibo’s hand was at Saihara’s mouth, “I’ll try. I’ll try to get better.” When the boys once again faced each other, Kiibo had tears dribbling down his face. “Thank you Saihara… I know this must be hard. Thank you for letting me in.”  
“You haven’t been let in yet.”  
“Huuuuuh? I thought we were really connecting!”  
“Nope.”  
“Awwww come on Saihara just let me have this moment!”  
Smiles crept up on both boys and they stood there, staring at each other with teary eyes and sweaty palms, the hands that had been kissed by the other remained intertwined. The moment didn't last long, Saihara caught himself and shrugged his arm back, looking to the side. Kiibo looked a bit surprised but not offended instead he chuckled it off awkwardly and added a quiet, "Want to go to dinner with me?"

Dinner that night happened to be meatloaf, it was cafeteria food so dishes like that were usually left mostly untouched. It was already dark when Saihara and Kiibo entered the cafeteria, most kids had already eaten and gotten home to do homework or play games. They got their dinners and sat across from one another at a corner table, poking mystery meat with plastic forks and not attempting to make conversation, the atmosphere was like a fresh loaf of bread that had been neglected and left out too long, stale and cold. Kiibo felt as though all the progress he'd made was slipping through his fingers, he had to say something. He'd make Saihara smile again, he had to.  
"So Saihara. Do you have any hobbies?"  
"Not anymore, no."  
"Talents?"  
"None."  
"Then um... Oh! What do you want to do when you graduate?"  
"I guess I'll go to college."  
"What kind of job do you want?"  
"I uh... always kinda wanted to be a detective, it's unlikely I kno-"  
"You'll make a great detective!"  
Saihara didn't respond, Kiibo wondered what he could have done wrong.  
'Maybe Saihara just isn't in a talking mood. I'm sure he still likes me, he couldn't hate me after we had that moment, could he? No... no way.'  
"Stop it Kiibo."  
"What?"  
"You're trying to save me from myself, you're not trying to be my friend. I don't need you to be my therapist."  
Saihara stood and began walking towards the exit. Kiibo felt like an asshole, 'I treated Saihara like a baby that needed saving, I probably only made things worse for him...'

Both boys went right back to their respective rooms after dinner. Kiibo knew going to Saihara's room again would be too pushy and calling him would seem annoying so settled on texting him "I'm sorry." later that night. He hoped the simplicity of it wouldn't be offensive to the other. In the past, many of Kiibo's relationships with friends and family had been hurt because he was never good with interactions or conveying his emotions.  
'Worrying about him won't help. Sleep now, worry in the morning.'


	2. The First Day of Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiibo is no longer "helping" Saihara, they help each other as friends.

Saturday. The Saturday before Winter break. Students couldn’t leave campus until Monday at 12 A.M when the break officially started but it was still some amount of freedom. Everyone busied themselves packing their bags or decorating rooms for parties. 2 days until the campus would shut down and Saihara would have to choose between going with Kiibo to his cabin or returning to his grandma’s house. Neither option sounded great, go back to the place that makes Saihara feel more suicidal than he already is with a woman who doesn’t care about life or go with a overly-nice stranger to an unfamiliar, secluded cabin in the mountains.

Snow was already sprinkling down onto the town surrounding Hope’s Peak and the school would shut down power Monday at 9 A.M so Saihara was well aware he needed to decide quickly. He’d need to pack warm clothes either way so Saihara decided to get some stuff together.

The beige bag that Saihara had brought the first time he’d come to Hope’s Peak sat open and empty on the bed. Several long sleeve sweaters, a puffy jacket, a knit beanie, jeans, a few pairs of underwear, sweat pants, lace-up winter boots, mittens, earmuffs, and a cozy pair of pjs were thrown from the closet all over the room. Saihara began to assemble all of them, messily shoving them into the bag. After working up a sweat trying to force the zipper to close, Saihara collapsed into his bed.

Hours easily passed with Saihara scrolling through HopePost, the school’s personal social media site, looking at other kids’ plans for the break. Of course, any normal person would feel jealous seeing all of their plans, many had booked cruises or were flying to warmer parts of the world, others were staying in their families’ mansions or one of them at least. Since he was using his phone, when Saihara got a text from his grandmother at around 4 P.M, he noticed right away.  
“In the hospital. Broke my ankle. Can’t get you. Stay with friend over break.”

Texts from Saihara’s grandmother always seemed to lack emotion and were right to the point. After years of living with her, Saihara wasn’t really surprised she’d done this.  
‘At least now I don’t have to pick I guess. I just hope Kiibo is willing to give helping me a second try.’

Despite being quite an introvert and struggling with face-to-face conversations, Saihara hated texting, that was his motivation for being at Kiibo’s door. Room 283.

“K-Kiibo?”  
Saihara listened for anything from the other side of the door. Likely because of the thinness of the dorm walls and doors, the sounds of someone trying to run on wood with socks on and slipping several times, was easily made out.

The door swung open comically fast, revealing Kiibo panting, red cheeked and slightly hunched over, white hair a puffy mess. “Saihara!”  
“Um hi.”  
“I’m so glad you’re here!”  
Kiibo dove into Saihara’s chest, holding him tightly, tears were already stinging the back of his eyes just seeing him there. Saihara was startled, it had been years since he’d hugged anyone, he lifted his hand to stroke through the other boy’s hair. “I’m sorry I got all… well angry I guess.”  
Kiibo lifted his chin so they’d be looking into each other’s eyes. “Saihara… don’t be sorry, it was super uncool of me to look at you as a kid like that! I was so worried that I’d made you hate me or only made things worse for you I-”  
Saihara pushed Kiibo’s head back down into his shoulder, shutting him up rather effectively.

Nuzzled into Saihara, Kiibo was quite content, it was warm and smelled like fresh laundry, not to mention how much Kiibo liked having a hand holding his head like that. Kiibo dropped his arms to his sides and let out a satisfied sigh.

Saihara was the opposite of Kiibo, he was freaking out inside his mind, he hadn’t ever had this level of physical closeness with anyone. At Kiibo’s sigh, Saihara jumped a bit, his face was burning up, ‘Is he really enjoying this that much?’. 

When Kiibo stepped back, Saihara almost collapsed mentally and physically, it took Kiibo a second to register the clear red in Saihara’s face. “I totally forgot! I should invite you in for tea! Come in!” Kiibo had decided lightening the subject was probably the most comfortable option. “So Saihara, what kind of tea do you like?” The only response he got was a shrug. “So black then.”

Rather than the white table in the front room, Kiibo and Saihara sat on a medium-sized, brown couch in what was supposed to be a bedroom but was being used as a living room. They sat on opposite ends of couch, not making eye contact, tea cups held in shaky hands. Saihara had noticed Kiibo wincing a bit as they sat, he didn’t want to seem nosy but suspected his friend might not be caring for himself.  
“Hey Kiibo?” The addressed, swiftly turned to face Saihara.  
“Yes?”  
“Uh where do you sleep?”  
Kiibo’s face practically went up in flames, “Um...here…sorry if that’s gross, we can-”  
“No no it’s fine, but isn’t it uncomfortable?”  
“Honestly? Yeah but my family hasn’t sent me allowance in a few months so I can’t get a new bed, I outgrew my last one…”  
“I’m not super rich like most kids here but I at least have a bed, sorry Kiibo.”  
“It’s not your fault, actually my family is pretty wealthy, they’re just bad at sharing. At least there are beds at the cabin. You’re still going right?”  
“Yeah, my grandma broke her ankle so without you I’d be stranded here.”  
“You live with your grandma? Is she okay?”  
“She’ll be fine, the bitter live long lives. And yeah, for the last few years.”  
“Do you mind my asking why?”  
Saihara made a face, showing clear discomfort as he began to tear up, “My parents died in an accident.”  
At first, Kiibo was planning to say something to console Saihara but quickly decided against it, instead he stood and walked over to him. Leaning down was fairly uncomfortable for Kiibo so he propped his knee up at Saihara’s side as he embraced him yet again. This time, Saihara was a little more comfortable with touching Kiibo and decided to take a risk and pull him closer.

Because Saihara was usually so awkward with his touches, Kiibo wasn’t expecting to be pulled in, he lost his balance and fell into Saihara’s lap, straddling one of his thighs. Kiibo would’ve enjoyed staying like that if he wasn’t so worried about the position making his friend unhappy. An awkward smile found its way onto Kiibo’s face as he forced a weak chuckle and a “I guess I should probably get up, huh?” As Kiibo began to regain his grip to push himself up Saihara surprised him again by placing a hand on his lower back, “If you don’t mind, stay here like this, once you get up it’ll be all awkward again and you won’t talk to me, I never like that…”

Under normal circumstances, Kiibo would’ve gotten up after the hand on his back because it just seemed a bit too perverse for friends but he could hear the sincerity in Saihara’s voice. It struck Kiibo how much progress they were really making in their relationship, Kiibo didn’t trust anyone else to hold him like this and he knew for sure that Saihara didn’t trust anyone to sit on his lap like he was. Kiibo closed his eyes and settled his arms around Saihara’s neck, resting his nose in the crook of his friend’s neck.

It took a few seconds before Kiibo’s mind started racing but when it did, it quickly went about reminding him that Saihara likely only approved of sitting like this under the assumption they were both heterosexual. This thought made Kiibo tense up, was it more appropriate to just relax and enjoy being held or tell Saihara that he was gay. Kiibo chose the latter.  
“Saihara… I need to tell you something.”  
“Go ahead.”  
“I’m sorry I didn’t realize I hadn’t said anything but I don’t feel comfortable being with you like this without you knowing that I’m gay.”  
“I can see why that would be uncomfortable, but it doesn’t change anything for me. Is that why you got all silent after our hug at the door?”  
“Ah no I’d seen your blush and I felt that maybe I was pushing it.”  
“It was a bit more than I was expecting, but I’m getting more comfortable with you.”  
“I’m really glad.”  
“Me too, I mean, it’s been so long since the last time I had any physical contact, I think I really needed this…”  
“So you really don’t have anyone else?”  
“Kiibo, you’re the first person I’ve hugged since my parents’ funeral. I don’t think you realize how much you and what you’re doing means to me.” Saihara’s voice had softened and gotten shaky, Kiibo felt butterflies in his stomach, ‘Why this, why Saihara? He needs a friend not me crushing on him!’  
“R-r-really? I’m that important to you?” Kiibo turned his head away from Saihara, he couldn’t look at him right then.  
“Kiibo? What happened? Is something the matter?”  
“I-I-I’m s-sorry Saihara…”  
“Are you crying?”  
“N-no.” He was, Saihara could feel the tears sinking past the fabric of his clothes. Saihara didn’t push for answers, even if his chest felt compressed at the thought of Kiibo sad or in pain.  
“Would you like for me to keep holding you?”  
“Um n-no thanks, I’m fine.” Kiibo stood and turned so his side faced Saihara, he could tell from his voice there would be hurt in his eyes and Kiibo didn’t want to see it. Trying to stop the tears, Kiibo clenched his fists and looked at the wall opposite of Saihara, Kiibo didn’t see Saihara stand and take a step toward him.  
“Kiibo.”  
“Y-y-yes?”  
“Calm down, you don’t have to be angry at yourself for enjoying that, I did too.”  
“That isn’t it, Saihara I can’t trouble you with this. Just go pack, I’ll call you tomorrow around midnight before we leave.”  
If Saihara was braver, he would have argued or hugged Kiibo before leaving, but he wasn’t so he left, an “I’m sorry.” slipping off his tongue. Once he was back in his room, Saihara fell into bed, reflecting, crying tears of happiness and sadness until his body ran out of tears.

When Kiibo heard his door shut, the tears pushed through now stronger than before, “I’m sorry Saihara. I think I love you.” was murmured into the emptiness.

As Kiibo laid on his couch that night, he thought of Saihara and how warm he’d felt and how nice he’d smelled, how he’d held him on his lap. Kiibo was very innocent minded by the standards of most teenagers but Saihara made him want to snuggle in public just to show off, and wonder how Saihara kissed, and what kind of people Saihara liked. 

Increasingly intimate thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door, Kiibo stood and answered, surprised to see Saihara standing there in a tank top and a pair of shorts, both of which showed off how slim his figure really was, looking guiltily at the floor. “Sorry Kiibo I just- I couldn’t end another day like that, it just hurts and I know it hurts you too so… um anyway I was hoping you’d spend the night in my room, my bed is pretty big and I figure it’s better than a couch so…”  
“I’d love to, thanks Saihara.” Kiibo was excited and nervous, he knew Saihara wouldn’t try anything but his heart was racing, “Ah just let me change before heading over there.” There was no way Kiibo was going to Saihara’s room without removing the evidence of having just masturbated to him first. “Yeah, just meet me there when you’re ready, okay?”  
“Got it, see you in a few then.”

When Kiibo reached Saihara’s room, it was 9:43 P.M, 17 minutes before curfew, he’d barely made it in time. It had taken Kiibo longer than he’d anticipated to clean himself and prepare mentally. By the time Kiibo had pushed open the door to Saihara’s dorm, he had already fallen asleep and was snoring lightly. Kiibo slid under Saihara’s blankets as quietly as he could, it still woke the other boy.  
“Hey Saihara.”  
“Mmmnn… you’re late…”  
“Uh yeah… sorry.”  
“S’okay.”  
It was easy to see how exhausted Saihara was by the slur in his voice and how as soon as Kiibo had settled in, Saihara was getting closer. Kiibo laid on his side, facing Saihara, they were only inches away but Saihara was lower on the bed so his face was in front of Kiibo’s chest.  
“Saihara? You awake?”  
“Mmhmmm… I am…”  
“I’m really sorry… about kicking you out earlier, I’m dealing with some weird stuff and it was wrong of me to take it out on you…”  
Saihara didn’t respond but after a moment, he scooted up so they were face to face and kissed Kiibo’s cheek, “Forgiven, now sleep…”  
“Yeah.”  
Saihara wrapped an arm around Kiibo’s waist and they fell asleep together in the warmth of Saihara’s bed.


	3. First Hours of the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saihara has a relapse but it's okay because stuff gets gay.

The feeling of waking up to a snow covered window was a magical one full of nostalgia for Kiibo, it almost made him want to get out of bed. Rather than cut his time in Saihara’s arms short, Kiibo decided to wrap his arms around Saihara’s waist. Without the fog of exhaustion Kiibo could really see how nice of hips his friend had, it gave him a fragile appearance that Kiibo lacked. In such a position, Kiibo couldn’t resist comparing Saihara’s body to his own, he noted how much taller the other boy was, tall but thin and bony, in comparison, Kiibo was shorter and more muscular.  
“Morning Kiibo.”  
“Oh! Good morning Saihara!”  
“Sleep well?”  
“Fantastically actually, I feel wonderful!”  
“I’m glad.”  
Saihara sat up and pulled off the covers, “I’m gonna take a shower, be out in a few.” Kiibo was kind of relieved, seeing Saihara so long without a second of a break had begun to make him anxious.

Saihara leaned against the wall of his shower, hot water hitting his chest like bullets. ‘I really let him in… I’m kind of scared.’ It was justified for Saihara to begin to feel hesitant, he’d been close to without human contact for years and he was jumping at every opportunity to receive it and getting more than he ever had.

After Saihara had been in the shower for almost two hours, Kiibo started to get concerned, after knocking on the bathroom door several times and getting no reply, he got really worried. “Saihara! Are you okay in there?” No reply. “Saihara?” Nothing. Kiibo bit the inside of his lip and twisted the doorknob, stepping in, his knees feeling weak.

Standing in front of his mirror, a towel around his hips, Saihara held a blade in one hand while his other arm dripped with red from several cuts, the shower playing noise in the background. “S-Saihara…” His head turned and mouth opened and closed like he was trying to speak but nothing came out. “K-Kiibo I- I’m sorry I just… I pushed myself too hard and- I’m sorry.”  
“N-no Saihara, don’t blame yourself, can I help bandage you up?” Saihara nodded and Kiibo stepped forward, grabbing a washcloth from the counter and wetting it with warm water from the shower. The warm cloth on the fresh cuts and the way his arm was being held so gently calmed Saihara just a bit.  
“You really aren’t mad at me Kiibo?”  
“I’m sad you felt the need to do this, but I’m not mad. I won’t get mad at you no matter what.”  
Tears from both boys mixed with shower puddles on the tile floor. As Kiibo pulled his hands away from the now cleaned and bandaged cuts, he looked up so their eyes met.  
“I’m sorry Saihara…” More tears poured from Kiibo’s baby-blue eyes and Saihara couldn’t help but wipe them away. “Kiibo, this- this isn’t your fault- not at all.”  
“Then what’s making you do this?”  
“I just tried too hard, I used all my energy because I got caught up in being normal.”  
“You mean while we were together, huh?”  
“W-well, it wasn’t you I was just so excited-”  
“Saihara I pushed too hard!”  
“No! You didn’t Kiibo this wasn’t you!”  
The cold of Saihara’s hands could be felt through Kiibo’s T-shirt as he was grabbed and shaken a bit. “I’ve liked it, everything we’ve done, I’m just struggling mentally to keep up with what my body wants… I really really haven’t had physical contact in years Kiibo, please, it isn’t you.”  
The tone of Saihara’s voice resembled that of someone begging, he knew that he needed to get it across to Kiibo that Saihara’s relapse hadn’t been because of him but he had no idea how to convince him.  
“What can I do to convince you that it wasn’t your fault?”  
“No nothing just- just next time talk to me instead of… this…”  
“I will Kiibo, I will… I need you and I need you to be happy…”  
“I think I need you too Saihara…”  
Saihara’s neck slumped and his hands slid down hold Kiibo’s hands. Noses pressed together at the tips, Saihara’s eyes were almost closed and his breathing soft, lips slightly parted. Kiibo took it in, the sound of his breaths, his peaceful expression, the clear scent of mouthwash on his lips. Kiibo hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath until his body gasped for air. “S-Saihara what are you d-doing?”  
“Waiting for you to kiss me.”  
“W-w-w-w-what?”  
“You’re not subtle Kiibo...”  
“I-I-”  
“Do you not want to?”  
Deciding to suck it up and go for it, Kiibo presses his face forward and his lips meet Saihara’s. There are no fireworks but the kiss is warm and comfortable, even if it doesn’t feel romantic, both boys enjoy it. Kiibo brings his hands to Saihara’s back, tracing the ridges where his spine pokes up, Saihara in return places his palms gently on Kiibo’s hips. Warm cheeks move farther from each other as Kiibo pulls away.  
“Do you believe me yet? I'm happy, but recovery isn't easy.”  
“Y-yeah I think I get it now…”

After the kiss Kiibo and Saihara had shared, they’d both agreed to go pack separately. Kiibo hadn't gone to pack but rather to freak out to his friend Miu.  
“So then, you think you’re gonna get dick while on break? That's pretty hot.”  
“I highly doubt that! I'm not all dirty like that, and Saihara is recovering besides I think he only likes me as a friend.”  
“You literally just kissed him while he was naked?”  
“He was trying to prove a point, seriously Miu I don’t even think he's gay.”  
“His dainty ass wouldn't do shit for girls, he's as gay as you man.”  
After the conversation with Miu, Kiibo was only slightly more hopeful about the events that would occur over the upcoming break.  
That night at exactly midnight, Kiibo and Saihara packed up Kiibo’s car and left for his cabin, arriving by around 1 A.M. Saihara was first to collapse into bed, not unpacking at all just falling right asleep in the room Kiibo had directed him to. Kiibo had at least changed into pajamas before falling asleep but he was out as soon as his body hit the mattress. 

In the morning, Kiibo was the first to wake so he decided to get started on breakfast, eggs and toast with jam. The scent of the food being cooked had woken Saihara and he’d gone to kitchen. Breakfast passed in silence as Kiibo and Saihara watch the snow falling, it was beginning to get fairly thick.  
“So do think we'll get snowed in Kiibo?”  
“Maybe… it wasn’t this snowy last year… but I guess we are in the mountains.”  
With no warning there was a loud gust of wind, the outside rattled and shook. The lights flicked out, the storm had knocked out the power.  
“Ah geez… the power went out… sorry Saihara, this must be miserable.”  
“No it's fine, we should gather candles in case the power isn't on by tonight though.”  
“Good idea! We should also look for stuff to do while we're at it, we can make it like a dark sleepover!”  
“Pfft, sure.”  
Candles were fairly easy to locate as Kiibo’s parents kept the cabin stocked up in case of emergencies, Saihara found a few decks of cards and a very old looking board game in a closet upstairs. On his way back to the main room, Saihara realized he’d gone farther than he realized and in the unlit, windowless hall it was hard to see right in front of you.  
“Kiibo!” Saihara wasn't heard. “Kiibo! Where are you?”   
“Saihara?”  
“Kiibo!”  
At the far end of the hall, Kiibo shone a flashlight in Saihara’s direction, “Hey, what happened?”  
“...got lost…”  
Kiibo flicked off his flashlight and walked to his friend, hugging his waist, “Sorry, I should've showed you around.”  
“Thanks for finding me…”  
The hug didn’t last long, Kiibo pulled away fairly quickly and came up with a “Hey I have an idea!” before grabbing Saihara's uncut arm and pulling him into one of the nearby rooms. Saihara quickly noticed that standing in the center of the room, he could reach all the walls. “Um Kiibo? Is this a closet?”  
“Oh! No no!”  
Saihara heard a little noise from Kiibo and then a bumping sound, Kiibo had jumped up to grab the string to pull down the attic ladder. After guiding Saihara up the ladder, Kiibo went up himself.   
At first Saihara was confused as to why they’d gone the the attic but upon reaching the top, he quickly understood. Antique style windows were sitting on each wall, casting light specks all over the floor. An old vanity, dresser, bed, and several paintings decorated the room.  
“I thought you might like it up here, during storms it looks like magic.”  
“It’s beautiful.”  
Saihara stared at the ground but Kiibo was more interested by the other's facial expression.   
Startled as Saihara turned to look at him, Kiibo turned his head away to avoid eye contact.  
“Kiibo?”  
“Yes!”  
“Um hey so do you mind if I kiss you again?”  
“W-what? Why?”  
“I’m really greatful for everything you’re doing for me.”  
“Um no I don't mind…”  
Red heat stung Kiibo’s cheeks even in the cold of the attic, his blush got stronger as he was beckoned over to the bed.  
On the bed, Kiibo sat with his legs hanging off the edge, facing Saihara who sat with his feet under his thighs. Neither of the two were sure how to start the kiss but Saihara raised his hand to Kiibo’s cheek to guide them closer together. As Saihara took the lead, Kiibo relaxed a bit and closed his eyes, opening his mouth just a touch.   
This kiss was slower, deeper, and sweeter than the one they’d shared the previous day. Kiibo felt strain on his midsection as he pressed forward as the kiss grew more intense, Saihara seemed to sense Kiibo’s troubles because he went to lift him by his waist onto his own lap. With Kiibo now in Saihara’s lap, their actions were less of a friendly kiss and bordered on that of lovers making out.   
Without thinking, Kiibo widened his mouth, his and Saihara’s tongues touched as they explored each other's mouths. More of Kiibo's weight was pushed onto Saihara’s upper body as Kiibo leaned in further. Saihara fell back, Kiibo still on top of him. A small moan escaped Saihara when one of Kiibo's hands slid behind his neck and brought them even closer.   
When he heard Saihara gasp and move his head away, Kiibo wondered what he’d done wrong. All was revealed to Kiibo when he looked at Saihara’s face, staring down at their lower halves, cheeks a deep pink as he panted heavily ‘Oh no no please no! Not now, why this!’. Kiibo jumped off of Saihara and ran to his room without a word.

Looking down at himself, it was impossible for Saihara to claim that only Kiibo had gotten excited. But because of their height difference, Kiibo hadn't felt Saihara’s arousal and had left to quickly to see it. 

After debating with himself whether to go to Kiibo’s room or to his own, Saihara ended up back in his room, waiting for his lower region to calm down. The sun had begun to set when Saihara went to the kitchen to get some candles for his room. Kiibo sat by the fireplace, practically swaddled in a blanket with a bowl of soup he’d heated up on the fire in his hands. Doing his best to approach quiety, Saihara walked towards Kiibo.  
“H-hey.”  
“S-Saihara! Oh my gosh I'm so sorry about earlier I didn't intend to get all worked up and-”  
“Kiibo. Calm down.”  
“Ah sorry…”  
“I uh… I was ‘worked up’ too you know so don't feel bad.”  
“Wait you what? You were? Are you just saying this to make me feel not creepy?”  
“You always act like everyone sees you as gross and that they dislike you, Kiibo of course that turned me on and yes, we definitely got carried away but you shouldn't be embarrassed about it!”  
“Saihara, I'm sorry… but um does this mean that you are uh… attracted to me?”  
“I didn’t make that obvious?”  
“I guess I don't know how to read people well.”  
“Yeah I'm not any better. Wanna play cards?”  
“Yes, I’d enjoy that very much!”  
Kiibo beamed up at Saihara from the floor and Saihara couldn’t help but return the smile.


	4. And Let the Winds Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boys become boyfriends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry this is so incredibly late. At Thanksgiving dinner my family caught onto the fact that I'm anorexic and have been for 2 years. Since then I've been in and out of hospitals and recovery centers. I don't intend to dampen the mood too much so please enjoy the chapter and prepare for more regular updates.

Because the power and therefore the heat had been out all night, it proved to be a cold morning even inside, Saihara and Kiibo both jolted awake at a loud sneeze from Kiibo. Quickly there was contrast between that morning and the gray mood mornings of previous days. Saihara giggled into his hand at the girlish sneeze, then again at Kiibo’s bright pink cheeks.  
“Getting sick?”  
Kiibo shook his head aggressively, a determined look on his face, “Nope! I hate being sick so I won’t get sick!”  
“I don’t think it works like that Kiibo?”  
“Pff whatever! I’m not sick!”  
Saihara stood and stretched, back sore from sleeping on the living room floor. After fruitlessly trying the light switch a couple times, Saihara walked towards the pantry, pulling out two packets of oatmeal. Kiibo realized what Saihara was doing and lit the fireplace, setting on a pot of water.  
“So what’s the plan for today Saihara?”  
“I don’t know, all we’ve really done is make-out, sulk, then make-up. If we can make it out the door we should go hiking.”  
“The door is totally frozen. Other ideas?”  
“Make-out without sulking?”  
“Oh you’re so funny. Come on, don’t say that stuff, it’s weird for friends to do that!”  
“Only if you think it’s weird.”  
“Saihara no.”  
“I’m teasing you, don’t worry.”  
“Thank y-”  
“You have to kiss me this time ‘cause I did it last time.”  
“Saihara!”  
Amazed with how quickly Saihara was improving, Kiibo smiled, laughs from both boys filling the room. The laughing ended when Kiibo noticed the pot of water on the fire beginning to boil over, he rushed to get oven mitts and move the pot onto the counter.

The morning had passed quickly as words of snowy memories and silly childhood stories were exchanged over breakfast. With midday came the gray once again. Kiibo had left to take a nap, leaving Saihara alone with his thoughts. The smile, Kiibo had put on his face that he hadn’t been able to fight, quickly faded in the quiet halls.  
First Saihara thought to try to take a nap himself, but was unable to silence his thoughts. Next, he thought to distract himself, he wandered the halls, trying to find something distracting. After giving up on distraction, Saihara paced back and forth in the living room, ‘Why is this happening again?’ Unlike his previous relapse, Saihara had no explanation for his feelings that time.

As white fell and shone in through windows, the rooms all felt gray and constricting yet frighteningly large and empty all at once. Saihara wrapped his arms around himself, losing his conscious thoughts to the hungry void that was the back of his mind. Out of a filthy instinct, Saihara ran to the bathroom, gut dropping when he realized he didn’t have a blade. 

Saihara’s hand sat on a kitchen knife, completely still, like some part of his brain was debating whether not to use it or not, a part of his brain Saihara couldn’t hear anymore. Gray became silver as Saihara stared into the knife, seeing his own reflection. Cold metal against his wrist made Saihara shudder, his hands were already shaky. He hadn’t pressed hard enough to cut yet, his head a swirling pool of “do it”s and “stop”s. That was when he remembered what Kiibo had told him, “just next time talk to me instead of… this…”

The knife clattered against the counter, Saihara didn’t even hear it, already running towards Kiibo’s room, tears burning against his cheeks. The locked door handle rattled as it was shaken, “Kiibo! Kiibo please unlock it…”

Without bothering to put on a shirt, Kiibo opened the door, confused. Kiibo’s confusion only grew as Saihara fell into him, sobbing.  
“Saihara? What happened? What’s wrong.”  
“Please...please don’t leave me alone Kiibo…”  
“I won’t I swear! But what happened?”  
Saihara couldn’t answer, but Kiibo couldn’t accept that. Opting to keep his head buried in Kiibo’s chest, Saihara groaned, bending like that was uncomfortable for him. Kiibo felt himself be lifted up, Saihara was carrying him to the bed.  
In the warmth where Kiibo had been moments earlier, Saihara was content with Kiibo higher than him so he could keep his face in his chest. Saihara pulled back for air and Kiibo’s hand that had been stroking through his hair went to his forehead to stop Saihara from hiding in Kiibo’s chest.  
“I stopped myself… I just need to be with you right now…”  
“Stopped yourself? What do you mean Saihara?”  
“From cutting…”  
Realization flashed in Kiibo’s, he pulled Saihara closer to him, “I’m so glad… thank you Saihara… stay as long as you need…”  
Saihara’s arms wrapped around Kiibo’s exposed waist as the latter pulled a blanket over them. Nuzzling in closer, Saihara went completely under the blanket, breath growing heavier against Kiibo’s chest with the lack of air. Saihara pressed his lips to Kiibo’s collarbone, savoring the little gasp it had earned him. Again, kisses were feathered over every part of Kiibo’s chest that Saihara could reach. Kiibo’s nipples had perked up and he fought off dirty thoughts, praying he wouldn’t get noticeably hard again.  
“Saihara! Why are you?....”  
“Sorry. Want me to stop?”  
“No, n-not really… but are we really gonna do this again?”  
“I really enjoy touching you and kissing you… even if that sounds weird… seriously tell me if I make you uncomfortable though.”  
Kiibo startled a bit and paused, hands went to Saihara’s cheeks, pulling his face up so the kisses could be redirected to lips. The level of comfort between Kiibo and Saihara had increased, the kisses were sweet and loving. Neither remained confused about their feelings.  
Faces pulled apart as they gasped for air, “S-Saihara, I have a request…”  
“What is it?”  
“L-let me touch you… please…”  
“Um like how?”  
“S-s-s-sexually!”  
That wasn’t what Saihara had expected but he wasn’t opposed to the idea, in fact he’d hoped for that answer in the back of his mind. Saihara was by no means a sexual teen but the idea of romantic and sexual relationships had always seemed like fairytales to him. Wonderful, but only possible in a dream or fictional story.  
“G-go ahead…”  
Kiibo wasn't sure exactly what to do, but he did know that he’d received permission to do it. Unsure hands slid under the band of Saihara’s pants, on the sides, towards the back.  
“Kiibo?”  
“Y-yes?”  
“Have you never done anything… y’know… sexual before?”  
“H-how can you tell?!”  
“You’re even more nervous than me and I’ve only had sex once.”  
“A-ah I-”  
“Don’t. Just keep kissing me.”  
After a small nod, Kiibo did exactly as he’d been instructed to. Their positioning didn’t allow for much of anything intense but it didn’t stop Kiibo or Saihara from enjoying the moment.

As the haze of arousal settled over Kiibo’s brain, Saihara pulled his lips away and went to kiss Kiibo’s neck.   
“S-Saihara… wh… how far are you gonna g-go?”  
“I can stop. I just need physical contact right now.”  
Saihara pulled back, Kiibo turned onto his back and scooted back against the bed frame so Saihara did the same, nuzzling into Kiibo’s side.  
“God… should we really do this stuff? I think I got ahead of myself, you need a friend not- whatever it is we are…”  
“I probably do need a friend. But who says you have to be my friend?”  
“What are you implying Saihara?” Kiibo’s tone had gotten slightly harsh.  
“I mean like- you can help me make friends, you can support me, and be there for me. But-”  
“Y-you don’t want to be friends anymore…?” Tears burned at the back of Kiibo’s eyes, his mouth slightly agape as his lower lip quivered.  
“I don’t really know how to say this. It’s probably really inappropriate right now but… I want you to be my boyfriend. I want lots of friends but… you’re more important to me than any other friend could be… a lot more.”  
“I don’t… know what to say… when you put like that it’s impossible to have doubts, even for me…”  
“Soooo…”  
“I will be your boyfriend Saihara!”  
“I’m glad.” Saihara snickered a bit at how determined Kiibo looked. The confidence was wiped off of Kiibo’s face when his boyfriend hoisted himself onto his lap. Saihara steadied himself by holding onto Kiibo’s shoulders, Saihara was thumbing around, feeling Kiibo’s exposed collar bone, Kiibo on the other hand, was not feeling chilled and relaxed like Saihara, rather he was freaking out.   
“W-w-what are you doing?!”  
“You were the one that wanted to touch me. Is sitting like this no good?”  
“I-it’s not that just… we’re boyfriends now so… shouldn’t we talk and go on dates and stuff before kisses and touching?”  
“If you want to but… my touch cravings haven’t been satisfied yet.”  
“R-right… I should hold you then?”  
Kiibo moved his shaking hands to Saihara’s hips.  
“Hhhng...like this isn’t really enough, I wanna be closer. Can I remove some of my clothes?”  
“I d-definitely wouldn’t mind…”  
“You’re so cute Kiibo…”  
Saihara pulled his pajama shirt over his head, leaving his pale, scarred up torso exposed. Kiibo stared at Saihara for the few seconds it took him to pull them both under the blankets, The warmth of Saihara’s cheek on Kiibo’s shoulder was comforting, the same went for the thin arms wrapped around his waist. The rises and falls of their chests synchronized as Saihara began his kisses yet again. This time the kisses were sweeter and with more purpose behind them.

Little time was wasted before Saihara was upright again, palms firmly pressed to Kiibo’s hip bone,”Hey… I can touch you too right? I wanna do something for you…” Kiibo gulped and nodded, hiding his eyes with an arm, face pink and burning hot.  
“What are you gonna…”  
“It’s embarrassing for me to say that kind of thing, I’m not that much more experienced than you… just better at pushing away my insecurities.”  
“I’d really like to know though. I can’t consent if I don’t know what you’re planning.”  
“I was planning to umm… blow you?”  
“Ah- nnn um uh I- so then… um I… errr… sorry? Or uhhhh thanks?” Kiibo looked like he’d overheated or busted something. Skin that hadn’t been fading back to pale, cool shades of creamy white, only getting hotter and increasing depth into loud shades of warmth, a signal of danger, and of warning. Saihara’s gaze moved from Kiibo’s exposed chest, rising and falling just too quickly to weak and glossed irises that were fighting and losing in a battle against heavy eyelids, wielding swords of thin lashes. The sinking in Saihara’s stomach matched with that of Kiibo’s body as he lost control of his consciousness. Reddened bottom lip released from the iron grips of teeth, the panting began, sickly yet strong, the noise expanded to fill the empty space in the room.

Saihara flew off of Kiibo’s lap, no longer concerned with not being touched, only with his new lover’s health and safety. Weight pushed on one knee, Saihara kneeled on the floor next to Kiibo, the hand on the latter’s forehead slowly retracted.   
“You’re burning up! Kiibo I thought you weren’t getting sick!”  
“Nnnng…”  
The sustained blushing Kiibo had experienced had been enough to raise his fever to dangerous temperatures. Saihara caught on rather quickly because of the signs of sickness he’d seen from the other earlier that day. Hours passed, spent with Kiibo asleep, a damp towel over his eyes and Saihara sitting next to him, holding his hand or stroking his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you guys should totally go follow my tumblr yea? I have 0 followers I'm so cool, I know >;3c  
> it's https://parrible.tumblr.com/ or just search parrible?

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the false update, I was looking at the plans for the story and realized I'd have to make chapter 2 and 3 into 3 chapters because I just had too much planned for them! Updates will continue on normally.


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